That Clinic

Since Emily was born 10 weeks premature, was in the NICU for 57 days, went into respiratory failure at 2 days old for 1 1/2 hours, and took forever to finally learn to take a bottle - she has to go to a developmental clinic. Most preemies do go to some sort of clinic, here in Georgia it's normally babies can't wait, but Emily ended up having to go to a specialist that is over an hour from my home. It took six months to get into the place mainly because they really concentrate on children with severe brain damage (which we were initially afraid Emily had).

I think it's hard to understand if you're not in my situation, but what's easy to understand is that no one wants to hear there is something wrong with their baby. I did not go in thinking there was anything wrong with her. We had seen babies can't wait right after she was born because my pediatrician recommended it and at that time she was behind mentally but great physically. We really worked hard on the coordination and playing so when this clinic appointment came about we figured they were going to tell us she was doing fantastic. We had got her to the mental level she was expected to be at and since we were told her physicality was great we didn't think there was a problem. We were wrong.

Sitting at that appointment no one said much. A couple of different doctors came in to visit then would leave us alone. I was assuming they were talking about how great she was doing. When they came in to tell us what was going on I can honestly say I thought it was a joke. My daughter was and still is perfect and what they were telling me seemed like a giant joke of some of the most picky things but they were so serious I started to worry. They sat her in front of me and started picking out every single small flaw they could find. I know they were doing their job but no one wants to hear what I was hearing. They said she had torticollis which is a head tilt disorder. The muscle in her neck was pulling her left cheek and ear down making her face uneven (I would've never noticed if they didn't point it out). She was very behind in every way from what they were telling me. She was almost on point mentally but not where they wanted her to be. She was about two months behind on her physical aspect. And the thing was she was 7 months at this point so they were comparing her to a  5 month old so she was supposedly far behind what a 5 month would be.

So after that appointment we ended up seeing a dozen different specialist. We had originally thought all the specialist were done with when she got her heart monitor off but not that lucky. She had to go to an audiologist to make sure she wasn't going deaf because the antibiotic they used on her that they use on all preemies can cause deafness. She then had to go to physical therapy to work on her head tilt and learn to crawl.

Physical therapy ended two weeks ago and we're waiting for insurance to approve three more months because although she's improved her tilt to the point it doesn't exist, she still cannot crawl. I like to think she will walk before she crawls but we'll see.

She has an appointment tomorrow at that clinic. I already know what they're going to say. I'm not going in all optimistic like I did last time because I realize their expectations are high but with all good intentions. I figure they'll mention the fact she's not crawling yet and talk about that slight tilt she has when she's tired.

But at the end of the day no matter what they say she's perfect in every way!

On another note, Emily and me worked on her first art project. That will be my next post!

Resolution

This is so cliche but it's not New Years Day without the epic resolution post, so here are my New Year Resolutions:

01. Get closer to God and find a church I feel like I belong in.
02. Be positive and stay that way.
03. Get comfortable with my situation.
04. Get a full time job, with benefits, that's Monday-Friday.
05. Lose 20 lbs - seriously.
06. Start eating and living healthy.
07. Start one of the bazillion businesses I have started to think about.
08. Get a place of our own.
09. Get a second car so we can both work.
10. Be patient.
11. I drink like once every four months but I don't want to drink at all any time.
12. Get my emotions in sync.
13. Instead of pinning 200 things to pinterest, actually try out some of the crafts and DIY.
14. Be the mom and wife I know I can be.
15. Get a hobby and do something.
16. Go on a great vacation.
17. Bring Emily to England.
18. Find people with similarities in life to myself and have play dates.
19. At least once a month do a family dinner and invite everyone.
20. Get out of debt - at least credit - and make a dent in the student loan.
21. Get Emily in a class like gymnastics or dance.
22. Get organized.


And that seems to be the most important for me right now.

I hope everyone has a lovely, blessed, happy 2013!

2012

So this year has been a pretty fun year for me. To list some of the great things:

1. I had Emily and that makes this the best year yet!
2. I married my soul mate on my grandparents anniversary!
3. I made the very intelligent decision to drop out of college.
4. Karl moved to America permanently!
5. Karl's parents came to visit!
6. I started pageants with Emily and I have found a potential business in it which is planned and pending business licenses.
7. I've discovered I am amazing at DIY stuff and home made things.

And that doesn't seem like much but it's been a lot. So here's some 2012 pictures :) .

Emily on her birth day!

Our wedding day!

Emily's first Supreme title!

Her second pageant and she won!

Karl's parents when we went to the aquarium!

Emily in her pageant dress with one of her titles!

It's been a good year for me and I look forward to 2013.

The Story of Us

First picture we ever took together!

Two years ago some people would've said I went crazy but to me I took a chance. I had just ended a four year emotionally abusive relationship and was finally rebelling. I drank for the first time, got my first (and last) tattoo, went to a party, and just lived. Living taught me to love and that's exactly what I was doing, falling in love with a man that I met on a pen pal site that lived across the Atlantic Ocean. After talking three weeks and getting a pretty good Christmas present in the form of money, I bought a ticket to fly out to England to meet Karl. Yes it was so crazy but I did have a plan if he ended up not the same guy or some crazy psycho or something. Before I left I talked to his friends and we saw videos of each other (he didn't have a cam to Skype). Honestly, if my daughter ever did his I'd probably ground her for life even if she was 20 but at the time I saw it as an opportunity. Everything up to this point seemed to be fate. Leaving my ex, meeting Karl, study abroad plans to England, getting the correct amount of money, etc; it was all fate. So I left on 12/26/2010 with only two people knowing where I was going. I was too afraid to tell my parents.

I arrived in England at 11:00am on 12/27/2010 and after a delayed flight and an hour ride to Kings Cross I had missed the train to go where I was needing to go. It was the first time I had been anywhere by myself. I was in a foreign country and had no idea what was going on. I had no idea how to use the tube, no idea that trains stopped and some times a change had to be made. But after talking to many people and getting my ticket fixed, I found a train that went straight to where I needed to be. Unfortunately I didn't have an adapter so I was unable to charge my phone and it died so then I just had to trust that he would actually be there. 

When I finally got to the station I saw him and he was more handsome than the pictures he had shared. I remember shaking because I was nervous and the weather was completely opposite of Georgia weather. We took a Taxi to the air force base he was living at and stayed there for a while until we started to get really bored and then got a place to stay in Derby where he was from. I met some of his family New Year's Eve and his parents a few days later. The day before I had to leave we decided to stay in London and he showed me some of the sights like big ben and the eye and the aquarium. We even went to a really strange haunted house. The time I spent with him was magical and leaving was extremely difficult. There was the question if he really was into me or if we would meet again and how would it work. 

But we ended up sticking together, Skyping every single day. We saw each other again in March for my spring break study abroad. Then he came to America at the end of March and into April for my birthday. He came back in May and stayed until the end of June. I went for another study abroad at the end of June and came home the end of July. 

When I got home from that study abroad I found out I was pregnant. That was so unexpected and brought up a lot of questions like would I move there or would he move here. How were we going to do it when I was here and he was there. But it worked. My grandparents paid for me to see him in October for two weeks and he came in December to spend Christmas with me and get her room ready. We were not planning on seeing each other again until April when his contract with the Royal Air Force was going out, but Emily made her appearance 10 weeks early. He missed her birth by 3 hours. He had to leave after his three week paternity leave was up. He came back in April, we got married in May, and he's still here.

That's the story of us, and it officially began 2 years ago as of today.

I love my hubby more than anything!

x

The Truth

For over a year I've attempted to run this blog and it never worked out. I think I got through a month before letting it drop off. At first I stopped because my postpartum depression was more than I could handle. Then I just lost inspiration and one reason I did because I was constantly trying to match my blogs greatness to that of other blogs. I found the most popular blogs were either themed with recipes or crafts (something I'm not particularly in to), or were mommy blogs based off of a new mother's perfect baby or that sarcastic mom that told the hard truth of being a mom without making it seem like she's miserable. I attempted a little of all of that and it wasn't working for me. I wasn't being honest with myself or anyone that was reading or I was being too honest then getting ashamed of it. I've realized I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The truth is I am a young mother who dropped out of university because being a mother was more important. I some times regret that decision and at the same time feel like if I had finished my three semesters I would've wasted a lot of time and money that I could be using for my daughter. My husband and I were not married before Emily was born. We did not have our dream wedding or a honeymoon or anything really. We live with my grandparents because it took 8 months to get Karl's green card so he could work and the first job I found wasn't paying me squat. Plus, getting a green card costs thousands and thousands of dollars so we were going broke just from that. I had depression in high school and with all the pressure to get a college education and being told by multiple people that getting pregnant was a mistake, the depression came back in the form of postpartum depression and it was very difficult for me to bond with my husband after our marriage because of it. My faith disappeared in high school when I started dating my ex who ironically came from a very religious family and he pretended to be religious around them, but in reality he was super atheist and was constantly making fun of me for wanting to find God so I am struggling now to find out where I belong with Jesus. I lost all but one of my friends when I became pregnant. I guess the friends I made while studying abroad couldn't find room for a girl that was the life of the party in England when I could no longer fill that roll. My life is far from perfect.

The truth is if I ever want to go back to school, I can do it. I'm glad me and my husband are actually married since most don't get married. We will eventually have our dream wedding in Disney World and our honeymoon will be with our daughter watching her have fun meeting Mickey. I am so appreciative of my grandparents for allowing us to live with them while we try to sort our life out. I'm not depressed anymore, and found out the flaws in my life that make me depressed. I changed them and didn't need meds to get "normal". My faith in Jesus is stronger than ever, and I realize He has done so much for me. My best friend Erica stuck with me, and I'm meeting people that have similarities with me so our friendship works out. My life may not be perfect but I know it gets better.

That's the truth of my life, and this blog will be written without me trying to impress anyone. It's just for me and what I want to write. Some times I might be mean, some times I might seem down, others I might be having a fantastic day. That's me though, and I'm happy with that.

This blog is my journey to finding my kind of perfect.